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Hey hun,

It was nice talking to you on the phone the other week. I’m glad you finally went to the doctor for that rash. I didn’t want to freak you out at the time but I used to know a woman who got a similar rash and I think they had to amputate. Or maybe it was because of an infection. Either way, it’ll work itself out, I’m sure.

Anyway, I have some very upsetting news to share: I think Barbie from across the street is in another cult. You know, it’s one of those groups that makes you buy a load of crap and offload it onto your friends and family, if you have any left.

So the other day, I had just settled down on the porch with a mystery from the library and my afternoon beer when Lil’ Miss Barbie Updo came trotting over, waving and yoo-who-ing. I know she means well but honest to God, I had to resist the urge to play dead.

But she makes it up onto the porch with only one complaint about how I really ought to have the steps redone and then launches into some rant about, get this, her oyster shucking operation. She says that some company ships her oysters (all miraculously stuffed with pearls). Then, she goes on Facebook Live and pries them open for people in what must be the smelliest to-do outside of Satan’s crotch.

Believe it or not, the people online actually bid on these pearls and get them put into jewelry settings. She made me look at a whole bunch of them and they’re not much to write home about. How much money do you think she makes off of that? None off of this old broad, I’ll tell you that much.

She did ask about you, although I think it was under the guise of getting you to join one of these pearl parties, that’s what she’s calling them. So, I said you were barely hanging onto life.

Still, she might try to reach out, just a fair warning. Anyway, do you know anything about crypto? When I was at the library there was some guy in there trying to get people to sign up for some class. I was tempted to stick around and get a pamphlet but he was talking to Samuel, that guy from church I can’t stand, so I ducked out.

I hate to cut things short but I have to take my dinner out of the oven in time for the news.

Love you lots and good luck with that rash,

Grams

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Emails from Grams

Beware Oysters from Barbie