Swinging back into port

And checking into Heartbreak Hotel

Hey hun,

I know you’ll want to know the latest update with Barbie and her battle against my trees. Well, I can say she got my special delivery of flowers because I was, as I hoped, out on my porch when it happened. I’ll admit it was a delight to watch light dawn on Marblehead as she got the flowers, looked quite pleased with herself, and then saw the card said “Get Well Soon”. After what I’m sure was the most thinking she’d done in a while, she crossed her yard and scowled up at me. I, a proper lady, waved back and smiled as she stomped away and slammed her front door behind her. 

And I hate to be anti-climatic, but that’s been the bulk of that particular drama. I don’t believe for a second that it’s over. In fact, I’ve picked up more trash that’s “blown in” from over the fence than I ever have before. Maybe she’s plotting her next move, or biding her time, or perhaps she can only muster as much commitment for her grudges as she can for her various business ventures. 

At this particular moment, I couldn’t be bothered to give a hoot because there’s been other trouble brewing on the horizon.

The short of it is that Denise is back in town, minus one Cruise Boyfriend. That’s right, it seems like The Love Boat has come to a grinding halt. I knew Denise was due back in town from her most recent galavanting, and so when she called to meet up for lunch, I was expecting the usual updates, photos, maybe a new souvenir. 

What I did not expect was to arrive at the diner to find a totally distraught Denise, making headway on a plate of French fries. Potatoes are her comfort food. I myself prefer those little bags of Halloween candy. 

Over a lunch that stretched from salads to milkshakes, I got the whole story. According to Denise, this trip started off entirely normal. Once they boarded the boat, they did all the usual things, toured the facilities, hung out with some cruise friends, and tested the limits of the buffet. 

Cruise Boyfriend seemed happy and was acting normal, until the night of the mixer. Let me tell you something, these cruise mixers are like that frigging part in Cats where they all line up and yowl at each other. It was at such a bacchanal that Denise and I first met C.B. and Trevor. I will say it was nice to be at what's essentially an oldies party that wasn’t in a function hall that smells like piss, but it’s not something I feel the need to repeat. 

But now I’m getting distracted! Anyway, at some point during this mixer, C.B. started to look ill. At first, Denise thought it was food poisoning, or he’d eaten too much dairy again (I know it makes a lot of people a little farty, but from what she describes, he’s a walking biohazard).

So, they call it a night and go back to their room and she’s thinking after a good night’s sleep everything will be back to normal. Except, over the next few days, Denise notices that C.B. is quiet and keeping to himself. Plus, he starts sneaking off to “get a little fresh air” and “go to the gym”.

I mean, who did this guy think he was fooling?

Sure, at first Denise figures maybe he’s finally getting serious about his health – but she’s no dummy. She smells something fishy, so what does she do? She puts on her spy hat and follows him, of course. I have a feeling that you know where all this is going, and by then so did she. 

And by the way, when I say that she put her spy hat on, I mean that literally. Denise went down to the souvenir shop and bought herself a full disguise, including a bucket hat, T-shirt, and giant sunglasses. Then, when C.B. next went out for “fresh air”, she threw it all on and snuck out behind him. 

At first, it seemed like maybe he was just going for a walk. He stopped to take in the view a couple of times, and chatted with a few people that he passed. It didn’t seem like he was rushing to be anywhere in particular. But then, he suddenly took an elevator up and Denise had to scramble to follow him. Luckily, there was a group of people waiting there, so she was able to blend in with them and hide her face with another piece of her spy kit, the trusty cruise ship map. 

C.B. gets off on a random floor and Denise said he finally stops at this door totally decked out in pineapple decor, and this, she says, is where she almost freaked out and threw her own cover. 

This was something I was blissfully ignorant of until she told me, but apparently hanging pineapple decorations on your door, especially on a cruise ship, means that you’re a swinger. Did you know that?? I don’t know why pineapples, maybe because it takes a team to get the goddamn thing cut up. Anyway, Denise swears up and down that she and C.B. aren’t into what she calls “the lifestyle”. And honestly, if you ask me, a man with that many G.I. issues has no business mucking around in that. 

Well anyway, C.B. knocks and is let into the room, and Denise is left out in the hallway, contemplating her next move. I have to be honest, I’m in admiration of her chutzpah, because after taking a breather, Denise marched right up and pounded on the door. God bless her, she even remembered to step away from the peephole. 

“Yes?” Someone called out. 

“Complimentary room service!” She yelled. 

After some murmurs and scuffling sounds, the door cracked open and in a mad scramble, Denise forced her way into the room, discovering C.B. in the middle of…let’s just say it was a romantic entanglement! 

Denise didn’t recognize the woman in the room, but after she nearly slapped the hearing aids straight out of his head, and hollering and finger-pointing, it came out that C.B. had met her on previous excursions, and they had been rendezvousing when their ships met in the night. 

However, he didn’t know she was on the boat until the aforementioned mixer. It’s unclear at this point if the woman in question knew or not, and if she knew why she kept it from C.B. She and her husband (he was absent at the time – probably walking around handing out pineapple-shaped fliers) are swingers, but this is a forbidden one-on-one romance, if you catch my drift. Essentially this asshat, C.B., turned out to be a girl-in-every-port kind of guy. Denise is heartbroken, of course, but pissed off enough to be glad to be out of that situation. 

It just goes to show you that life cycles around the same old drama, no matter what decade you make it to. I think Denise is going to stay on land for the time being, which is probably better for her health and wellbeing anyways. 

But, I’ve had my fill of geriatric scandals for now. I want to know how you’re doing. What’s going on over there? It doesn’t have to be particularly exciting or action-packed, it could be what you had for breakfast. Just please tell me there were no pineapples involved. 

Love, 

Grams