Clear the gangway!
Grams is coming!
Hey hun,
I’m sorry that I missed your call – I hope you’re doing alright! To be totally honest, I spent half the day glued to the bathroom floor, praying to whatever god that would listen to save me from the worst hangover I’ve had in 50 years. Without getting into the gory details, I certainly feel like a new woman now.
Normally, I’m not so much of a boozer (I swear!), but you know how I escaped Denise’s horrible double date the other week? Well, to smooth things over, I had her over for dinner and she told me that, and in an unsurprising turn of events, it didn’t end up working out between her and ol’ Frenchie. Go figure!
I mean, I have to hand it to Denise for putting up with his smelly pal for that long. After the double date, I went out of my way to avoid Mothball Man. Fortunately, it’s pretty easy when his odor announces his arrival minutes before he’s in the room.
Apparently, things really fell apart for Denise and French after she demanded that they have a date without his friend lurking around. So, he invited her over to his place for a nice, romantic dinner for two.
Denise curled her hair to the sky, popped on her girdle, picked up a bottle of red, and skipped on over to Chez Amor. There were candles and flowers on the table, soft jazz was in the air, and Ragu bubbled on the stove. It was all perfect as the two lovers were gazing into each other’s eye – and then a peculiar scent hit Denise.
Was it the spaghetti? She asked but French said it seemed fine to him so she ignored it (the lengths people will go for hanky panky!). But after dinner, as she was going to use the little girl’s room, the smell was so strong that it couldn’t be denied.
She pushed open the bedroom door to find….none other than…Mothball Man! He was sitting on the bed, watching TV and chowing down on a giant bowl of popcorn. You can only imagine the argument that came after that!
The official story is that French had every intention of honoring his promise to Denise, but then Mothball got kicked out of his own apartment because his roommate had a date over, too. And in a town of however many thousands of people, there wasn’t a restaurant, bar, or abandoned warehouse available to skulk in. So, you-know-who came knocking on French’s door.
Long story slightly shorter, Denise broke up with French right then and there. Now you can see why we wound up drinking wine until the wee hours.
And that’s not even the end of it! Just a little while ago, when I managed to finally make it to my computer and check my email, I found a very unexpected confirmation message. In my blackout state, I had booked a cruise trip for me and Denise – leaving next week!
I called Denise to see if A) she was still alive and B) if she remembered anything about this trip. She had no stinkin’ clue, and we were about to call the cruise line to see if they would refund drunken purchases. But, then we thought – what the hell, what’s keeping us here, anyways?! Certainly not a man!
So now I have to go digging through the basement to see if my old swimsuit is still intact and blow the dust off the suitcase! I’ll be honest, I never thought I would be excited to be trapped on a boat with hundreds of strangers, but I’m looking forward to getting out of town! Let this be your sign to not wait until you’re my age – get trashed and make impulsive decisions while you’re still young!
Much love,
Grams