From incubation to Turkey Trot

The miracle of life

Dear Grams, 

Well, your email finds me enjoying a glass of wine while I’m scrounging around for some butcher’s twine so I can truss up this chicken to roast. One of these days I’ll remember to get everything out and ready before I’m elbow-deep in giblets. It’s the closest I’ve felt to chaos for a while and so believe it or not, these days I actually feel as though I’m living vicariously through your emails. I mean, I was not expecting the plot twist with that last one!

I am familiar with the swinger/pineapple lore, but mostly because I spend too much time online, NOT because I’m a card-carrying member of my local chapter (not that I would tell you if I was). Are we really surprised that Cruise Boyfriend is such a sampler? Personally, I never got a good feeling about that guy, or anyone that wants to spend most of their life on one of those barges. 

Did you know that cruise ships can legally dump all their sewage off the US coast? It would be a man like him to make his shit everyone else’s problem. Anyway, I think Denise will be back on her feet in no time, and there are definitely greener pastures waiting for her. 

As for me, the only green pastures I can report about are the ones on my computer’s screensaver. There’s a lot that I’m struggling to figure out how I balance and accomplish right now, including some creative projects, so while I’m very mentally preoccupied, I don’t look very exciting to anyone observing from the outside. 

Most days end up blending together; as soon as I’m able to bury my head into a project, the day’s already over. So, there’s no drama, no dating, no upcoming reservations, no pagan rituals in the woods, no trips planned, no feuds with neighbors or landlords, no nothing. The fact that I’m feeling very OK with that has me feeling mildly concerned. I mean, at this point in life, shouldn’t I be spending more energy going out and being social? Instead, I just get tired so easily. I don’t know, maybe I’m depressed, or anemic, or have entered my final form as that spinster who only gets riled up about making her own bone broth. 

Yet, despite all that, I think I would be really disappointed in my future self if I didn’t take advantage of all this bleakness and really put in the effort to get these projects off the ground. On top of that, I simply don’t possess the charisma and talent for meeting other people and going out that Denise has. Truly, probably because I’m the most boring person alive, I couldn’t be bothered try to date right now.  

Personally, I’ve never experienced a relationship that didn’t feel like an unpaid internship. It starts great, sure, but by the end it feels like you’re just catering to someone’s needs while wondering if they even notice you’re there. Am I a little cynical? Yes. Am I now more capable of communicating my needs and cutting off dead weight sooner? Probably. Am I grateful to be able to spend my time the way I like and not be judged for farting in my own home? Absolutely. So, until I meet someone who benefits and improves my life…I’m good, actually. 

Anyway, I can’t get over how the year is going by so quickly. Can you believe that it’s almost time for us to do our holiday family treks again? How much do you want to bet that Helen’s going to try to get us all signed up for the Turkey Trot? 

By the way, because you asked, I had a bagel with peanut butter for breakfast. It was slightly stale so I made it up to myself with a cookie – don’t judge me. 

Much love – 

P.S. What’s up with you and Trevor? Is it official yet?

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Hey hun,

Ok, first of all calm down, it’s not even Halloween yet so let’s not get all worked up about Thanksgiving. However, I will say that Helen has already reached out to see if I would want to volunteer at a table for the Turkey Tot. I told her that I don’t need to because, unlike her, I don’t suffer from the need to feel superior on Thanksgiving Day, nor do I particularly enjoy applauding people for moving their butts. I don’t invite her over to cheer me on while I rake the lawn, do I?

I haven’t received a response yet, so I’m sure she’s still busy crossing me off her Christmas shopping list. That’s fine, I still have the grippy socks she’s given me the past two years. Helen means well, in that she thinks the world would be better if we all wore matching sweaters, ate sugar-free, and just let her be at the center of everything. Usually it harms none to humor her, but I saw a phrase on the internet that sums it up, “I simply have no fucks left to give.”

I agree with you, Denise will definitely recover. She’s already been making comments about going to Las Vegas at some point next year because she’s already in trouble-making withdrawal. I told her that she ought to slow down a little bit before she gives herself a heart condition or an ulcer, but she just laughs it off and says she’d rather die having fun. 

Some people are like that, they can just go on endlessly and don’t seem to have the same requirements for rest and relaxation. Or rather, that’s the chapter of life that she’s in now. That being said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you taking the opposite approach for the time being. Forgive the analogy, but it sounds like you’re roosting on something potentially quite exciting. 

Whenever I was pregnant, about a thousand years ago or so, I remember that, without fail, at some point during the second trimester, I felt so caged and bored by myself but had no energy to do anything about it. The process of creating life is so arduous, tedious, and when you’re in the middle of it, feels never ending. Everything made me tired and it drove me nuts that my body’s priority wasn’t my own health. Of course, the difference here is that babies tend to come with an eviction date whereas a creative project can be “in the womb” indefinitely. 

If you’re feeling tired and unmotivated to focus on much else besides the work, maybe that’s just a sign that’s where your head needs to stay. As you’re creating something new, it might feel as though you’re in the middle of some nebulous birthing process. Something’s cumulating, developing, and giving you weird nighttime shits. Keep devoting your time to it and see what happens! I mean, what else are you going to do? But if you are still feeling run down after a week or so, maybe go see a doctor. Or, try dusting off the multivitamins I know you haven’t touched in a year. 

You know, there’s one thing that helped me even after months of feeling so ill while I was pregnant. After dinner and all the work of the day was done, I waddled out to the porch and propped my bare feet up to feel the breeze. I didn’t do anything else, just felt the cool air, rested my eyes and let my mind rinse itself of the day. 

I don’t know what it would be for you, but since you’re in a chapter of incubating a new life, try finding something nice to end each day on. It was an immense aid to me and might make you feel a little less stifled. I can’t wait to meet whatever it is you’re working on, by the by. I know better than to pry too much but I’m certainly very curious. Maybe you can give me a hint while we’re both boycotting the Turkey Trot. 

Love, 

Grams   

P.S. I’m letting you have your secrets so you let me have mine.